Fill Yourself First

Now that the talk about a recent award show has calmed down a little and the slap heard round the world is not the first story everyone sees when they open an internet browser, it is the perfect time to reflect on success. We see success all the time. Award shows honoring the best performances of the last year. Hall of Fame induction ceremonies celebrating a lifetime of achievements. Special parking spots for the employee of the month. Saving 5 cents on a gallon of gas because you held out just 2 more miles, driving on fumes as you came to that one gas station that always has the cheapest gas. 1st place trophies at youth sporting events (The blog about everyone getting a trophy is coming). We see and celebrate success all the time.

We appreciate the time and effort it took to become the best at something. The training and dedication it took a basketball player to reach the highest level and earn a spot in the Hall of Fame. The new idea that saved the company time or money to earn a front row parking spot for a month. The willingness to call your wife to pack up the kids and come get you from the side of the road because you missed getting to the gas station by a mile or so because you pushed the fumes a little too far in your quest for cheaper gas. These are all reasons to celebrate and appreciate the work put in.There has never been a time in my life that I have been able to impact so many people at one time than the opportunity that Jill and I have right now. We are fortunate to have an ever-growing team of individuals that have joined us on our journey with ZYIA. Over the last 3 years, we have found that our passion, what continues to drive us, is to see others succeed and reach past what they thought was impossible. Giving people the ability to dream bigger and helping them see what they are capable of. Our own accomplishments are truly secondary to what we can help provide for others. This has become our reason for continuing to grow our business, our why.

Like many nights after the kids are in bed, Jill and I sit awake catching up on the day and what things need to be done for tomorrow. This time tends to be interrupted by a little girl using the child monitor as a one-way communication device to summon daddy to the rescue. I have also found that kids drink more water between the hours of 7 and 9 than any other time of day. One particular night I was struggling with wrapping my head around how to coach and help a member of our team. Knowing how capable and deserving she was of success, I wanted to do everything I could to help her see what she could do. I went on and on about a post she did and the recent results she had been seeing. Jill finally turned to me and said, “Mike, you are the problem, not her.”

WHAT!!! How the hell am I the problem? I am trying to show her that she can do this and that she is worthy. I want it so bad for her, how am I the problem? That is when Jill turned to me and asked the question that has stuck with me ever since, “But do you think you are worthy and deserving?” That hit me like a ton of bricks. After I shook off the initial blow, I realized that she was absolutely right, I did not believe that I was worthy of success and that was limiting my ability to give that belief to anyone else.

Interesting how when we are looking at physical objects this concept is so clear, yet when we are talking about intangible things such as ideas, we get lost. Perfect example, you are your friend go out for happy hour after work. You both enjoy one drink before heading home for the night. Your friend conveniently leaves his wallet in his car and instead of making him run out in the cold to grab it, you spot him the $5 to cover his bill. Easy right, you had an extra $5 so you gladly gave it to him knowing he may or may not pay you back someday. When it comes to money or a gift we are giving, you either have it or you don’t. It is in your hands to give, or you have nothing you can give to someone else.

Ideas and beliefs are much harder because we cannot see them. There is no physical evidence or object that can be given to someone else. This makes it much easier, and in my case, to fool yourself that you can give it to someone else. I was basically reaching into an empty pocket and trying to give from a place that only had pocket lint. I had lost my belief in myself and I nothing else to give those I was trying to help and poor into.

Funny thing about the belief is it is very much like a bank account. When your mindset is strong you are adding to your account. You go through your day finding every possible positive reinforcement that you are on the right path and that you could not possibly fail at what you are doing. The conviction you have in your dreams is unwavering and it is not a matter of if, but instead a matter of when you will accomplish what you are set out to do. For me, I have picked out a ranch on the Big Island of Hawaii that I will buy. It is overlooking the ocean on 20 acres of land with a barn for the horses and a mother-in-law detached suit (key to this is that it is detached). When I am in a good headspace, I keep adding to my belief account, I get closer to my home in Hawaii.

The opposite is also true. When I am struggling, I am taking funds out of my account. I am using what I have within my belief account to fend off those negative thoughts and emotions, but it comes at a cost. Same is true when it comes to supporting others. As you pour into those around you, you are drawing from that account of belief and giving away what you have built up. You are investing your funds, loaning them to someone else so they can take what you have given and grow their own account. When we think of these transactions as a money physically moving from one account to another it becomes clear how you can run out of belief yourself, even if only a few days ago you were riding high and could taste to morning coffee on your own lanai overlooking the ocean.

This is plain and simple, you cannot give what you do not have. People will always see right through your bullshit. When you are trying to give belief to others that you do not have, you will show up in a way that will be detrimental to their growth. Instead of lending them the money (belief) they need, you will instead be deducting from their account to fund your own. Think about that for a minute. Before you completely write this off as a crazy idea, look deep inside and see it for what it truly is, a selfish act, self-serving in nature and detrimental to those around you.You cannot give from an empty account. This is what I have done for years, and until I truly thought about it from a tangible standpoint it never made and sense to me. I would reach out to people, see how they are doing not to see how I could help, but instead as a way to compare myself to them. I was stealing from their account to fund my own. I did not have the belief in me, I did not feel I was worthy, I saw other’s success and found jealousy where empowerment should have lived. I was broken, not as a person because none of us are, but in my way of thinking. My belief account was empty, and I never realized it.

The greatest way to impact others is to work on yourself. When you work on yourself, your account is full and your belief is in a place that you can provide others the support they need. But how do you make sure there are funds in that account when you need them? Know that you are the one that is in control of the stories that you tell yourself. The emotions that you have within a situation are yours, and your alone. No one can make you feel a way, your emotional response to every situation is dictated by the story you tell yourself. If you are the author of your feelings and emotions, why not write a positive story around that situation. Then when you start adjusting your perspective and shift to seeing the positive, you will inevitably see more positive around you.

This takes work, it takes time to build up your account. Nothing in the world is free and that is also true of belief. If you want more of it, you must put in the work in yourself to obtain more. Through work like this I have realized that I am worthy and deserving of success. I am no longer looking at the achievements of others and wishing I could do the same, I am using their success to fuel my actions. If you find yourself questioning your worth, stop. Stop finding the reasons why you think you can’t and write out the reasons that you can. You made up the story of why you couldn’t in the first place, so why not rewrite your story to why you can. Take the time to work on yourself, your belief account needs to have something in it before you can give to anyone else. You cannot help someone else up if you are laying down.