Finding Comfort in Love.

Have you ever felt excited and scared all at the same time?

From a young age we are taught that being sad is a bad thing. We will ask our kids why they appear to be upset or show an overabundance of concern for when they are visibly upset.

Jill and I do this to our girls all the time and the answer to “what’s wrong” usually stems from the inability to share one toy that has the attention of both girls. Think back, when was the last time you asked about a visibly positive emotion that your kids were displaying? Do you ask your kids why are they so happy, what made you smile so big? We have learned to block off that feeling of being scared or uncomfortable. What if instead of blocking it out, we use it to fuel our growth and the growth of others?

This speaks to my core. I have spent my entire life making sure people like me. Through a lot of work digging really deep I feel confident that this stems from my pursuit of my father’s attention. Now before we go too far down this road, let me say that I grew up in a great home. My parents gave me everything I needed and more. I learned a lot about hard work in the fields in the summer as we had a hobby farm where we sold vegetables at the farmers market every Saturday.

I was able to participate in the sports and activities that I loved. I had it good, but it is inevitable and when we dig deep, we will all find a core story that has driven us our entire lives. Mine is around gaining the approval of my father. As such, the desire for approval has led me to where I am today.

On the surface this does not seem like a terrible thing, make friends, build relationships, keep people happy, not too bad. You know what I have found, this desire to keep people happy has limited the impact I have made on the world. Yeah, it has, and here is why. Because I am more focused on the approval of others than anything else, I do not challenge people to reach out of their comfort zones. I wanted more than anything to have a person leave our conversation feeling good. Another way to say this is that I would block out the chance of someone feeling uncomfortable.

If you want to become stuck in your life the quickest way to do that is to surround yourself with people that make you feel comfortable. Notice how I didn’t say surround yourself with people that love you. These are two very different people. A person that makes you feel comfortable, the person that I have been fighting not to be, hypes you up for who you are, allows you to complain and never challenges you point of view, it is a person that loves the status quo and what it provides for your relationship.

In contrast, a person that loves you will celebrate a victory with you but enjoys the journey much more. A person that loves you will offer a different opinion not looking to convince you otherwise but to allow for a chance to grow together. The person that loves you knows you are worthy of the biggest dreams and will remind you of your why so that you never lose sight of it. While you should feel comfortable telling a person you love anything, that is very different than loving being around people that are comfortable.

I am fortunate to have someone very close to me that I know loves me. Jill and I have been together since the 90s and when you put it that way, it seems even longer than I thought. We have both been working hard on our personal growth and I am fortunate to have someone close to me that can help me grow, and I am working on providing the same love back.

There are hard days at work that I want to complain about everything that happened. How hard it was to train a group on a new software, or how communications breakdowns are getting in the way of understanding different issues. I did this just yesterday and after my 10 minute sob session, Jill asked, “So what does that mean about you?”

Jill took my rant, my bitch session, my sob story and stopped me right there. Instead of allowing me to be comfortable in my complaints, she challenged my way of thinking. Now, in the moment I didn’t like it much and it added to my frustration, that is the uncomfortable feeling, but following our conversation I was able to recognize how my attitude around what happened at work was impacting the way I was showing up for others.

My attitude was driving my results.

So, what does all this mean? We must learn how to challenge each other in ways that make us uncomfortable. We need to stop fearing the emotions that make us uncomfortable, these are the emotions that trigger our growth. Without them we will remain where we are because we will continue to think the same way we always have. Embrace these feelings, allow them to guide you on your path to reaching those big goals, and surround yourself with those people that understand that love is not the same as being comfortable.

Can you think of someone who loves you when you read this? Send it their way. Let them know they are the person who continues to help you grow.

-Mike